Culture Babies: Where to Draw the Line

I had an interesting conversation with a friend last night, who, like me, is living in a foreign country with her husband who is native to that country.

They're about to have their first child, and her pregnancy has already cracked open some cultural differences that perhaps were not so evident before.

I had the same experience. I'd lived in Thailand for years but having children here brought cultural understanding (and misunderstanding) to a whole new level.

Living in a different culture, every day you're making decisions, sometimes unconsciously, that test your flexibility and underlying values. Having children forces you to become clearer about and reflective of your values, since there can often be very conflicting ideas about the "right way" to raise them.

For me, my level of tolerance of cultural differences can be broken down into three categories: Embrace, Grin and Bear It, and No Compromise.

Embrace
Love and smiles. The overall reaction of Thai people to children is something I have definitely embraced.

My kids get nothing but warmth and welcome wherever they go. Everyone's got time to pause and smile at my kids, and many people, especially the ladies, will try to have a friendly chit-chat with my kids.

Dining out is a dream, since there is almost always a waitress or two who will entertain the kids for the entire duration of the meal. And never once have I been at the receiving end of a cold glare here, if my kids are acting up in public, like I have on my visits back to Canada.

One surprising thing has been the amount of attention my kids get from men, young and old. The surly old guy at the restaurant nearby always lights up whenever I bring my kids, and even reacted with a jolly laugh when my son kindly pointed out to him that his teeth were black (oops!).

One time, I freaked my father out on his visit here, when I allowed a teenage waiter to carry my baby son away from the café we were seated at to the ice cream shop he worked at next door.

"You're gonna let that guy take your kid away?" Yep, I did, because the waiter was simply keen to show the cute baby off to his girl colleagues at the shop, all in full view of me.

All Granny all the time. I have also slowly come to embrace the level of involvement of the Thai grandparents in child rearing. It's common here for grandmothers especially to raise the grandkids while mama goes off to work, and pretty much every Thai mother I know has a VERY involved grandparent or two.

Whatever I think about my mother in law personally (don't ask!), she is wonderful and loving with the kids and they benefit greatly from her added care.

Grin and Bear It
There are other aspects of Thai culture and children that I'm not so wild about here, but I have decided to accept because I believe they are not worth making conflict over. Others may feel very differently.

Skin colour. Comments like "Oh! Your son is so white! Your daughter is rather dark! Your kids are so lucky they're not dark like their father!" are something I simply acknowledge and move on. As the kids get older I will introduce my Canadian-infused ideas about appropriate talk about skin colour as a talking point whenever such comments occur.

They will occur often, so there's no way to run and hide from it, nor do I wish to be a scold whenever some old biddy feels the need to point out the obvious. Sometimes if I'm feeling facetious I will say something like "Black is beautiful!" but so far it's never gotten the reaction I hoped for.

Ghosts. A lot of Thais believe very strongly in spirits and ghosts, including my extended family. Again, something that will make a great discussion point with my kids as they grow up.

It's a bit of a tricky one, since I like the animist belief that there are spirits in everything (the land, trees, mountains, sea, etc) and that they must be fed and cherished, but I really dislike the fact that my son can no longer sleep alone in his room because he's been told he will be snatched away by bad ghosts.

No Compromise
Safety. My kids are not allowed to ride with Grandma or Auntie or anyone else on their motorbikes. Ever. Or not at least until they are older. Like 50 maybe, and only if I'm senile or dead at that point.

Seen way too much human roadkill here to ever bend on this point.

Same goes with car seats and seatbelts, though as I wrote years ago in a post called Boundaries it took me a bit of time before I firmly stood my ground on this one.

With road safety, I don't care if someone's older, or says they're sure things will be fine, or points out that loose kids in the car is "normal" here, or mocks me for being overcautious, or thinks I'm crazy. They get a big, fat NO if they even dare think about taking my kids out for a ride unbuckled.

I am crazy. Crazy about keeping my kids intact.

But for the most part, life is easy here so long as family members keep an open mind and take time to explore and discuss cultural issues. (Or bite their tongue, when required…)

And as the kids grow and expand their horizons, I'm sure there are many more surprises in store for our funny little family!